Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sweet Freedom!

Well, I'm not exactly free yet, but just about as good as free. Tomorrow is my last day in office, my boss is paying me out two weeks but letting me just work one. This seems to be a pretty popular thing to do lately.

Today my company had a quarterly meeting, that I didn't go to. And then they were letting everyone off for the rest of the day. So I had an interview in the morning with a job prospect and then went running in the afternoon.

It was a gorgeous afternoon! I probably should have gone up to some of the trails, but I wanted a little extra time to tidy up the house and get some dinner ready for tonight. Besides, I have a long trail run on Saturday so I probably should taper a little before then.

It feels strange to know that a chapter of my life is closing up now. For four years I could bank on going to this job every week day. It is in a nice area and in a beautiful building with gorgeous views of the SF Bay. There are many things that I'll miss about it. The security, and the friendships.

This odd feeling of change is sometimes exhilarating, and sometimes scary and sad. I find myself alternating between joy and depression over my decision. Early this morning I lay awake for a few hours mulling over my decision and feeling a bit depressed. Until I took some NyQuil to shut off my head.

Ultimately though, I feel like cutting off this sure thing is making me face myself. I feel like I've lost myself in the identity of my job. And cutting ties with my sure, but suffocating job is forcing my true self to resurface. I had a curious encounter with a former boss yesterday who had heard the news. She wholeheartedly congratulated me on my decision, asked if I would like to work with her on some freelance projects (oh yes!) and said "You'll make more money freelancing and you'll feel more appreciated." That really struck a chord with me. Appreciation. Now that everyone knows I'm leaving I'm hearing the appreciation from all quarters. Before, never. Maybe everyone was too busy. Or the corporate culture at this company has become one of taking people for granted. Either way, this culture has left me feeling like I was unworthy of praise, not looked up to by peers and just stagnating. Now that I'm going off on my own I've brushed off my old work samples and really truly seen how good they are. I feel like facing myself in this jobless, "naked" way I see again what I want to do, and what my talents are. I'm forcing myself to not be afraid, to not give in to the evil Fear which makes me take the easy path. Peeling away my corporate identity I see my precious children, my husband, the things that I used to love to do like creative writing and my running aspirations all looking back at me and saying "This is really YOU. Enjoy it. Revel in it. And this is the way to go. These are the things that will lead you down your true path."

I'm looking forward to the future. It starts now.


olga said...

Quitting a job takes guts. I am glad you did if that's what you wanted! That must have been a great feeling, and yes, do not let fear to guide you in life.
Thanks for stopping by!