Saturday, March 07, 2009

Mourning Run

So I got out at 9:30. Not exactly the crack of dawn run I was fantasizing about, but it's a start. 43 minutes on a usual loop of mine. Not the fastest run but not the slowest either. My left hip felt a little tight, but not dangerously so and the hamstring survived. No nasty twinges there. The tightness does still concern me. I'll continue working diligently on it with yoga.

About halfway through I got a little choked up thinking about recent revelations and events. The random selection of music on my iPod didn't help any either with songs that just reminded me more of my sadness. I stopped to walk and sob for a minute. Then I decided to choose happiness. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. Things are as they are and I should just pick up my life as it is and move forward. Who knows what I will find tomorrow? I switched to an upbeat running playlist and carried on. The day is sunny and bright. I can run again. My kids are happy and healthy. Life is for the living, so get on with it.

The rest of the way was beautiful and good. Some muddy parts by the golf course but I managed to avoid a big messy fall. At home I did an outdoor yoga session on the nice green grass. The girls had their bubble machine going. It was something like yoga with a dash of Lawrence Welk. My utadasana is getting more bendy and my bridge is getting bridgier. It's so nice to see progress.

My life lesson for this season? Letting go and moving on. From many things. Arbitrary expectations, labels for myself, negative emotions, fear and procrastination. I found that cleaning out my closet was almost a religious experience. So much of what I was holding on to had old memories and emotions attached to it. I got rid of anything I hadn't used or worn in a year and especially if it held memories of a past job, a certain time period in my life or a relationship. Getting rid of the emotionally charged items was freeing - even if it was a good emotion. I was hanging on to some maternity wear that had some wonderful memories, but I'm not ever going to wear it again. Getting rid of this stuff clears out the way for the future and mentally enabled me to let go of all of my past, good and bad. I'm not forgetting it, I'm just cleaning out emotional space for what lies ahead. Letting go is freeing, it lightens your load and releases old grudges. It is a cornerstone of Buddhist thought and akin to the Christian idea of forgiveness. I think these two exercises come to accomplish similar spiritual release and revelation. I'm far from being totally free, but I've made a start. Spring is a great time for new beginnings.

Tomorrow? A longer morning run.